Delivery Drivers Must Complete ‘Chap-Door-Run-Away’ Course Before Being Employed

In a move described by critics as “bold, unnecessary, and deeply athletic,” several local delivery firms have introduced a mandatory training programme teaching new recruits how to chap a customer’s door then immediately sprint away like a startled gazelle.

The course, officially titled Advanced Parcel Deployment & Rapid Retreat Level 1, lasts two days, though most trainees reportedly drop out after the warm‑up, which consists of light stretching and a 40‑metre dash triggered by the sound of a doorbell.

Course instructor and self‑proclaimed “Head of Tactical Exits” Barry McCluskey says the curriculum reflects the realities of modern doorstep logistics. “Customers expect efficiency,” he explained while demonstrating a textbook knock‑and‑bolt manoeuvre. “They want their parcel delivered, but they don’t want to see the human who delivered it. We’re simply honouring that sacred social contract.”

Trainees are assessed on several core competencies, including Stealthy Approach, Minimal Eye Contact, and the advanced technique known as the Ghost Drop, where the driver leaves the parcel, rings the bell, and is halfway down the street before the customer’s dog has even registered the noise.

One trainee, still breathless after a practice run, said the course was tougher than expected. “I thought it’d be like PE at school. But no, this is elite‑level disappearing. I’ve not moved this fast since my mum asked who ate the last of the Viennetta.”

Delivery companies insist the training is essential for maintaining industry standards. “If a customer actually manages to open the door and see you,” said McCluskey, “that’s a fail. We’re not running a meet‑and‑greet service. We’re running.”