Trump Declares War on All Things Ending in ‘Land’: “They’re All Mine Now!”
In a fiery press conference held outside a branch of Poundland in Swindon yesterday, former President Donald Trump announced what he called “the greatest land grab in human history – literally.”
Standing in front of the discount retailer’s iconic green-and-yellow signage, Trump pointed dramatically at the store and declared, “Poundland? That’s MY land now. Iceland? MY land. Finland? MY land. Disneyland? You bet – MY land. I’m taking everything that ends with ‘land,’ folks. It’s tremendous. The best lands. Nobody does land like me.”
The announcement, delivered to a bewildered crowd of bargain hunters clutching multipacks of crisps, has sent shockwaves through retail chains, sovereign nations, and theme parks alike.
Trump, flanked by a hastily assembled team of lawyers and a man holding a comically large map with red circles around every “-land” on the planet, explained his reasoning. “I look at New Zealand – beautiful country, but it ends with ‘land.’ Sorry, New Zealanders, you’re fired. Greenland? Already tried that one, but now I’m going big league. Thailand? My land. Lapland? Santa’s moving out.”
When asked how he planned to enforce his claim, Trump shrugged. “Tariffs. Very big tariffs. And maybe some beautiful walls. We’ll build a wall around Iceland – the frozen food one AND the country. Double wall. Tremendous.”
Poundland issued a terse statement: “We are a British retailer and not available for annexation.” Iceland (the frozen food chain) simply tweeted: “🧊❄️ No comment.”
Meanwhile, the nation of Finland has reportedly begun emergency negotiations to change its name to “Finni-thingy.” Disneyland issued a Mickey-shaped cease-and-desist letter, while the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg quietly considered rebranding as “Luxem-bourg.”
Political analysts are divided. Some call it the boldest foreign policy since the Louisiana Purchase. Others suggest Trump may simply have misheard someone say “lowland clearance” and got overexcited.
One thing is certain: the next time you pop into your local Poundland for a £1 multipack of toilet roll, you might just be shopping in the newest territory of the Trump Empire.
