In a result that surprised precisely no one north of Carlisle, Scotland has been officially voted the world’s most prolific hangover country, according to a new international study conducted by the Global Institute of Regrettable Decisions. Researchers claim the Scottish victory was “so dominant it technically counted as a landslide,” with the nation scoring record […]
In a dramatic downsizing fit for the history books, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, once known as the Duke of York and now officially rebranded as “the spare who overstayed,” is packing his polo mallets and preparing to swap the grandeur of Royal Lodge for Marsh Farm on the Sandringham Estate. Sources close to the former royal – […]
In a dramatic twist that has stunned Scottish football and at least three passers‑by on Duke Street, Celtic are reportedly preparing a sensational late bid to sign 68‑year‑old Laurie McCall of Dennistoun after talent scouts witnessed what insiders are calling “the most complete performance in Scottish sporting history.” McCall, best known as a regular caller […]
LONDON – In a twist straight out of a bad reality show script, Brooklyn Beckham has officially declared himself persona non grata in the Beckham dynasty, issuing a cease-and-desist to his own parents demanding all future chit-chat go through solicitors. Sources close to the 26-year-old culinary visionary say the final straw was David Beckham’s refusal […]
In what experts are calling “a statistically predictable tragedy,” local optimist Sharon McCluskey has bravely announced that she has finally come to terms with winning absolutely fuck all in last week’s Dafty Lottery. Sharon, who spent £4.50 on a ticket and £27 on “manifestation candles,” told reporters she entered the draw with a “quiet confidence” […]
In a surprise press conference this morning, the British government announced a bold new national security initiative centred entirely around Claudia Winkleman’s famously impenetrable fringe. Officials claim the plan — codenamed Operation Fringe Shield — will provide “unrivalled protection” against any potential threats from Russia, meteorological or otherwise. According to leaked documents (left accidentally on […]
In what experts are already calling “the most British civil war since the one about the hosepipe ban,” the Beckham family has reportedly blocked each other across every major social platform following a catastrophic household dispute over a Netflix password. Sources close to the chaos say the drama began when David Beckham attempted to log […]
In a stunning revelation that has rocked absolutely no one, 50‑year‑old part‑time DIY enthusiast and full‑time crisp enthusiast Gary McFadden has once again informed his family that he “could’ve been a professional footballer, easy,” if it weren’t for a combination of tragic circumstances, including a dodgy knee, a demanding job, and being, by his own […]
In a move that’s got world leaders slicing their responses, President Donald J. Trump has announced plans to slap hefty tariffs on any country that dares to criticize his legendary golf swing. Speaking from the 18th green of his Bedminster course, Trump declared, “My swing is the best swing. It’s tremendous. Smooth like butter on […]
In a plot twist that would make even the most jaded spy novelist blush, the hit TV show The Traitors has been unmasked as the greatest threat to world peace since auto-tune. Sources close to the production – okay, fine, my neighbor who binge-watched it while eating haggis – claim the series is secretly training […]