President Donald Trump has blasted Big Eddie’s Barnet Repair Centre for a social media post that seemed to poke fun at The 47th US President’s hairpiece. An image posted to the hair restoration clinic’s Facebook page used an enlarged picture of President Trump’s hair twinned with the caption: “Don’t buy a snide Percy Pig. Come […]
Keir Starmer today concluded his historic “reset” with Xi Jinping by announcing a new era of “more sophisticated” UK-China relations. Translation: he’s finally got the recipe for crispy pork balls that don’t arrive soggy. After 80 minutes of statesmanlike nodding, the PM declared the meeting a triumph of grown-up diplomacy. Behind closed doors the agenda […]
In a bold move to tackle the nation’s mounting environmental and fiscal woes, the UK Government has announced the introduction of a pioneering Fart Tax, set to come into force next April. Britain’s Finance Minister described the levy as “a fair, equitable, and refreshingly transparent way to capture emissions at the source.”Under the new scheme, […]
Emergency services have declared a national “Puddle Alert” level crimson after forecasters warned that between 2 and 4 millimetres of light rain may fall on Scotland tomorrow, creating what one meteorologist called “potentially civilisation-ending shallow water features”.The Scottish Flood Apocalypse Response Team (SFART) has already issued a do-not-leave-your-house-unless-you-fancy-drowning-in-3cm advisory. “These are not mere puddles,” explained […]
Emergency services were scrambled yesterday afternoon after a 42-year-old local man became trapped in what police described as “a Level 3 trolley entanglement incident” at the Newton Mearns Aldi.Witnesses reported that Gary McTierney inserted his pound coin into the trolley slot as normal, only for the mechanism to seize up with an ominous clunk. “It […]
In a bold move to combat the nation’s epidemic of wonky shelves and accidental magenta living rooms, B&Q has launched what it calls the future of home improvement: Chameleon Chaos Paint.The new range, priced at a modest £49.99 per tin (plus £15 for the complimentary therapy voucher), automatically shifts colour based on the user’s level […]
In a bold move to cement its status as the undisputed champion of impulse purchases, discount giant B&M has unveiled its most ambitious project yet: the Bargain Black Hole.The initiative, rolled out across all 800+ stores this week, transforms every aisle into a gravitational vortex designed to pull shoppers inexorably towards unnecessary tat. “We’ve always […]
In a twist that has local therapists scratching their heads and streaming services rubbing their hands, 58-year-old local accountant Reginald “Reggie” Hargrove has declared full-blown addiction to the 1970s TV classic Little House on the Prairie. What began as a nostalgic binge-watch during lockdown has escalated into a full prairie lifestyle takeover, leaving his family […]
In what may be the most casually apocalyptic announcement in climbing history, Alex Honnold has officially retired from terrestrial free-soloing. The man who once stared down Yosemite’s El Capitan without ropes has now looked at every remaining peak, cliff, and supertall skyscraper on Earth and delivered the same verdict: “Nah, too small.”Speaking from a folding […]
In a move that has left meteorologists and disco purists alike reaching for their umbrellas, The Weather Girls have officially announced that their iconic 1982 hit “It’s Raining Men” will be re-titled to reflect modern inclusivity standards.The new version, set for release next month, will be called “It’s Raining Men – And Women and Non-Binary”.According […]