HOUSTON – In a surprise press briefing this morning, NASA officials announced that the long-awaited Artemis III lunar landing has been postponed indefinitely – or, more precisely, until “the Epstein files have properly run their course.”“We simply cannot launch astronauts to the Moon while the public is still processing names, flight logs, and suspiciously timed […]
LONDON – Peter Mandelson, the once-untouchable prince of New Labour, is facing mounting calls to resign from every position he has ever held (and several he invented) after it emerged that he shared his personal Netflix password with Jeffrey Epstein in 2013.The revelation, contained in freshly unsealed court documents that nobody asked to see, shows […]
Glasgow Airport has announced a new “Chaos+” tier, offering passengers what executives describe as “a curated, artisanal travel meltdown.” For an additional £19.99, travellers can enjoy hand‑crafted delays, bespoke queues, and a personalised shouting‑at from a staff member who looks like they’ve been awake since the Commonwealth Games.Airport management insists the upgrade will “elevate the […]
Glasgow City Council has confirmed that the city’s endless road closures are not the result of poor planning, budget issues, or a council worker accidentally clicking “Select All” on a roadworks form — but part of a bold new initiative to transform Glasgow into a giant, ever‑shifting urban maze. Officials say the project, titled “Maze […]
LONDON – In an unprecedented escalation of tenant rights, a coalition of rats, mice, and one particularly indignant silverfish has lodged an official complaint against their landlord at Royal Lodge, Windsor, prompting a frantic dawn raid by three rival pest-control firms.The vermin, who have sub-let the historic property’s extensive crawl spaces and wine cellars for […]
LONDON – In a groundbreaking move hailed as “common-sense policing for the modern age,” the Mayor of London has announced the creation of the city’s first official No Stabbing Zone, effective immediately.The pilot scheme will cover a modest 400-square-metre patch of pavement outside a shuttered Chicken Cottage on the Walworth Road. Within this carefully marked […]
LOS ANGELES – The 2026 Grammy Awards red carpet unfolded last night like a carefully choreographed escape room, with A-listers arriving in their most daring fashion statements yet: floor-length gowns, architectural shoulder pads, and an apparently industry-wide agreement to wear facial expressions that screamed, “Please don’t ask me about the Epstein files.”Pop titan Liora Vayne […]
In what local authorities are calling “the most authentic Venetian experience in centuries,” dozens of elaborately decorated Carnival boats spent the opening weekend of this year’s festivities admiring their own reflections so intensely that they forgot where they were going.Eyewitnesses report that the trouble began shortly after the traditional parade launched from the Rio di […]
New York, The Dafty – In a bombshell release that has left America collectively blinking in confusion, the long-awaited Epstein files have finally dropped, and the headline finding is unanimous: literally nobody knew Jeffrey Epstein. Not really. Not even a little bit.From former presidents to supermarket cashiers, every name redacted, unredacted, whispered, or shouted in […]
