Everton’s charity legends game descended into farce yesterday when Wayne Rooney’s enormous, balloon-like head was repeatedly kicked instead of the actual ball. The 40-year-old pundit, whose cranium now measures roughly the circumference of a regulation size-5 football, was guesting for the Toffees old boys against a Liverpool XI. Witnesses report that within ninety seconds of […]
In a development scientists are calling “predictable but still deeply funny,” millions of Britons entering the third week of Dry January have begun reporting vivid hallucinations of pints, prosecco flutes, and, in extreme cases, a full-bodied Rioja whispering, “Just one won’t hurt.” The National Institute of Moderation confirmed today that the country has reached what […]
WASHINGTON – In a move hailed as “genius-level trolling” by insiders, President Donald Trump has named Sir Tony Blair to his newly formed Gaza “Board of Peace,” the seven-member supergroup tasked with rebuilding the enclave and ensuring eternal harmony. Trump, chairing the board himself, declared: “Tony’s the best. Tremendous guy. He did Iraq so well, […]
President Donald J. Trump escalated his long-running quest to purchase Greenland yesterday by announcing crippling tariffs on any country that refuses to support the plan. Speaking from the White House Rose Garden while wearing a bright red “Make Greenland Great Again” cap, Trump declared, “Greenland belongs in the family. Denmark says no? Fine. 100% tariffs […]
In a result that surprised precisely no one north of Carlisle, Scotland has been officially voted the world’s most prolific hangover country, according to a new international study conducted by the Global Institute of Regrettable Decisions. Researchers claim the Scottish victory was “so dominant it technically counted as a landslide,” with the nation scoring record […]
In a dramatic downsizing fit for the history books, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, once known as the Duke of York and now officially rebranded as “the spare who overstayed,” is packing his polo mallets and preparing to swap the grandeur of Royal Lodge for Marsh Farm on the Sandringham Estate. Sources close to the former royal – […]
In a dramatic twist that has stunned Scottish football and at least three passers‑by on Duke Street, Celtic are reportedly preparing a sensational late bid to sign 68‑year‑old Laurie McCall of Dennistoun after talent scouts witnessed what insiders are calling “the most complete performance in Scottish sporting history.” McCall, best known as a regular caller […]
LONDON – In a twist straight out of a bad reality show script, Brooklyn Beckham has officially declared himself persona non grata in the Beckham dynasty, issuing a cease-and-desist to his own parents demanding all future chit-chat go through solicitors. Sources close to the 26-year-old culinary visionary say the final straw was David Beckham’s refusal […]
In what experts are calling “a statistically predictable tragedy,” local optimist Sharon McCluskey has bravely announced that she has finally come to terms with winning absolutely fuck all in last week’s Dafty Lottery. Sharon, who spent £4.50 on a ticket and £27 on “manifestation candles,” told reporters she entered the draw with a “quiet confidence” […]
In a surprise press conference this morning, the British government announced a bold new national security initiative centred entirely around Claudia Winkleman’s famously impenetrable fringe. Officials claim the plan — codenamed Operation Fringe Shield — will provide “unrivalled protection” against any potential threats from Russia, meteorological or otherwise. According to leaked documents (left accidentally on […]
