Congratulations, you magnificent non-winner. The balls have spoken: your numbers remain as relevant as a dial-up modem. While some lucky bastard is currently panic-buying six hot tubs “just because,” here are five gloriously deranged ways to process the fact that the universe personally hates you.Buy another ticket using the exact same numbers – but backwardsLogic […]
London, UK – In a shocking turn of events that’s left the nation clutching their wallets in terror, thousands of British taxpayers are flooding police stations with reports of a brutal mugging spree orchestrated by none other than Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC). Victims describe the assaults as “cold, calculated, and utterly devoid of […]
In a move that’s got shoppers clutching their carrier bags tighter than a Scotsman his wallet, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has announced a groundbreaking international partnership to patrol the aisles of Home Bargains stores across the UK. Yes, you read that right: those burly agents usually chasing border-hoppers are now on the […]
President Donald J. Trump has dramatically shifted U.S. policy toward Iran, announcing the immediate deployment of what he calls “the most beautiful, luxurious, high-performance armada the world has ever seen” – a fleet of several hundred custom gold-plated golf carts.In a Truth Social post that quickly amassed millions of views (and several thousand reposts from […]
President Donald Trump has blasted Big Eddie’s Barnet Repair Centre for a social media post that seemed to poke fun at The 47th US President’s hairpiece. An image posted to the hair restoration clinic’s Facebook page used an enlarged picture of President Trump’s hair twinned with the caption: “Don’t buy a snide Percy Pig. Come […]
Keir Starmer today concluded his historic “reset” with Xi Jinping by announcing a new era of “more sophisticated” UK-China relations. Translation: he’s finally got the recipe for crispy pork balls that don’t arrive soggy. After 80 minutes of statesmanlike nodding, the PM declared the meeting a triumph of grown-up diplomacy. Behind closed doors the agenda […]
In a bold move to tackle the nation’s mounting environmental and fiscal woes, the UK Government has announced the introduction of a pioneering Fart Tax, set to come into force next April. Britain’s Finance Minister described the levy as “a fair, equitable, and refreshingly transparent way to capture emissions at the source.”Under the new scheme, […]
Emergency services have declared a national “Puddle Alert” level crimson after forecasters warned that between 2 and 4 millimetres of light rain may fall on Scotland tomorrow, creating what one meteorologist called “potentially civilisation-ending shallow water features”.The Scottish Flood Apocalypse Response Team (SFART) has already issued a do-not-leave-your-house-unless-you-fancy-drowning-in-3cm advisory. “These are not mere puddles,” explained […]
Emergency services were scrambled yesterday afternoon after a 42-year-old local man became trapped in what police described as “a Level 3 trolley entanglement incident” at the Newton Mearns Aldi.Witnesses reported that Gary McTierney inserted his pound coin into the trolley slot as normal, only for the mechanism to seize up with an ominous clunk. “It […]
In a bold move to combat the nation’s epidemic of wonky shelves and accidental magenta living rooms, B&Q has launched what it calls the future of home improvement: Chameleon Chaos Paint.The new range, priced at a modest £49.99 per tin (plus £15 for the complimentary therapy voucher), automatically shifts colour based on the user’s level […]
