In a late-night Truth Social post that has left global security experts simultaneously horrified and mildly amused, President Donald Trump announced he is prepared to unleash “the most tremendous, beautiful little nuke” on China – a warhead he claims to have purchased for just $9.99 on Temu.The listing, titled “Mega Boom Patriot Edition – Free […]
Newton Mearns, Scotland – In a bold stand against what he calls “state-sponsored screen tyranny,” local resident Hamish McFumble, 47, has declared his 55-inch flat-screen television legally identifies as a microwave oven, thereby exempting him from the mandatory TV licence fee.The confrontation unfolded yesterday when two stern-faced TV Licensing officers knocked on McFumble’s door, armed […]
Kyiv, Ukraine – In a dramatic escalation of the ongoing international funding saga, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has issued a stark warning: if Western donors don’t pony up more billions pronto, he’ll resort to the nuclear option of crowdfunding.Speaking from a podium flanked by empty ammunition crates repurposed as flower pots, Zelenskyy declared, “We’ve tried […]
Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea – In a rare public outburst, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has expressed profound disgust at the unfolding chaos in the British reality television programme Love Island All Stars, calling it “a decadent bourgeois cesspool that threatens the moral fibre of the entire world.”Sources close to the Dear Leader report […]
London – In a bold move to revolutionise British policing, Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood has instructed the nation’s 43 police forces to laser-focus on “serious and organised crime” – leaving petty offenders free to roam the streets like liberated pigeons.Speaking at a high-level briefing (held in a room suspiciously short on petty thieves), Mahmood declared: […]
In a groundbreaking effort to turn every scroll into a therapy session, Facebook has unveiled its most ambitious feature yet: ‘Other Arseholes You Might Know’.Rolling out globally next month, the tool will use advanced AI to trawl through your entire digital history – every passive-aggressive like, every muted group chat, every time you’ve rage-typed then […]
In a move that has left the nation simultaneously baffled and delighted, Dame Prue Leith has been unveiled as the star presenter of a revolutionary new Subbuteo cooking show, The Great British Flick Off.The programme, due to launch on a digital channel best described as “somewhere between CBeebies and Dave”, sees the 84-year-old baking icon […]
In a move that has nutritionists openly weeping into their kale smoothies, McDonald’s today unveiled the AI-Obese system — a terrifyingly efficient artificial intelligence designed to make customers fatter, happier, and more regretful in record time. The technology, which the company describes as “your personal enabler with a headset,” will debut in 8,000 new restaurants […]
Concern is mounting for 34-year-old local woman Fiona McScroll, who has reportedly been trapped inside her own TikTok For You Page for the past 47 hours.Friends and family say Fiona was last seen in the real world on Sunday evening, when she innocently opened the app to “just watch one quick video about organising sock […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bombshell press conference that left reporters scrambling for their fallout shelters, former President Donald Trump declared his undying love for Greenland – right before outlining his foolproof plan to wipe it off the map without lifting a finger aggressively.”I love Greenland. Tremendous island. Biggest one, folks – bigger than Texas, […]
